Margate A Look Back

Unless your parents were incredibly rich and you were a spoiled fucker of a child who only had friends due to having the best toys from being overcompensated by both parents for having split up you had precious little options when it came to summer holidays. For the gyppos and little bastards on a council estate it was either a government paid day out to reward you for burglary or it was a day out at the funfair.

Most of the poorer kids got a day out at folkestone but for us slightly richer poor kids it was a day out at Margate we all looked forward to practically every single fucking year. The general ritual leading up to such a day out would usually go "if you don't behave theres no trip to Margate this summer" followed by "if you don't behave theres no Margate next week" followed up by "if you fucking kids don't shut the fucking fuck up we aren't going to fucking Margate tomorrow" It was the poor parents equivalent of saying if you don't behave i'm turning the car round (if the train could be turned round no doubt that threat would have been issued as well).

Strangely enough no matter how much of a shit we had been (short of murder) we always got to margate (along with picnic coz lets face it food was fucking expensive at the park and it was an extra two pints worth saved for dad in the pub at half time). After the arguments of which of us got the window seat on the train and veiled threats through gritted teeth of turning round at any moment if we didn't fucking behave our first view of the majestic beauty of margate (yeah right) would have been of the train slowing its way past the funfair before coming into the station. (by which point no one was turning back coz dad had seen the mary rose).

You always know when you've reached your holiday destination a good two minutes before you even see it. The unmistakable aroma of sea air mixed with candyfloss and popcorn is always a dead giveaway. You only have to smell popcorn later in life and your mind is automatically back at the fair (you can almost feel those multiple clips round the ear hole that you were guaranteed to get throughout the day ahhhhh nostalgia).

If i had been here previously i would have known from the exit of the train station it was a short right turn down the road past the crappy shops with their bucket and spades hanging above the windows with small cheap fishing nets propped up at the door and big (from memory) inflatable boats that encouraged kids to get lost and drown at sea (health and safety suck my ball sack). Past the cheap looking greasy spoon cafes with the small windows to sell you ice cream from and the rows upon rows of stalls displaying Margate rock sausage egg and chips made from rock on a cheap paper plate and rock dummies designed to speed up the process of your adult teeth (coz you would be sensible with sugary sweets by the time they came through honest mom) it was a quick swing right again down the slope to where the entrance of Dreamland (this is the BS that dreams are made of) was.

But of course I hadn't been here before so i didn't know any of that previous shit and had yet to know that it was Bembom Brothers and not Dreamland so best to ignore that whole last paragraph altogether really.

With the exception of the big big wheel that was biggest big big wheel you had ever seen you had little idea of what lay beyond the entrance that had the words Bembom brothers posted above it. You also had no idea exactly what was payed for both admittance and journey there but assumed it was free since you hadn't had to dip into your pocket once since leaving the house carrying an old battered bucket and spade and a crappy cheap plastic fishing net (coz we aren't shelling out for ones at the seaside when we have some good useable ones here). After much masonic looking negotiations between dad and the slightly dodgy gyppo looking ticket office person we were ushered inside the entrance complete with big fucking carry bags filled with beach towels' sun cream' sandwiches warm bottle's of rola cola' shop brand cheese n onion crisps and penguin bars, and windbreak (A FUCKING WINDBREAK).

OOOOOHHHH MY FUCKING (clip round the ear)  GOD. Its amazing there was a helicopter ride we saw on the train on the way up and WOW what's that? the mary rose that looked well fucking (clip round the ear) scary and the looping star holy shit (ouch) and good old dad him and his finite wisdom had got us here early so we could avoid all the tedious queuing and go on any ride we wanted as soon as we could actually find a fucking (slap) ride that was yet to be open what with it being to early for most of the staff yet (true story).

But fortunately there were a couple of rides with operators just waiting to be tried. The first was a faggy teacup ride (not a chance) and the second the helicopter ride type thingy we saw on the train going past the fair. That'll do that looks not too scary and not too wimpy. True we had yet to see it in operation but how bad could it be? its on the ground..... in you get.

So in i got :)

:(

MOMMYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY MAKE IT STOPPPPPPPPPPPPP ITS GOING HIGHER IM FALLING OUTTTTTTTTTT WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

True story first time at Margate first ride ever and i fucking shit my pants something chronic. It looked so innocent not scary at all and to be fair it started out fine ON THE GROUND. And then something happened it started going up (well this is unexpected and not altogether appreciated)

To be fair (see what i did there) the rest o the day did go a lot smoother. I bravely avoided the Mary Rose fearlessly sidestepped the Looping Star and with no regards to my own personal safety didnt even so much as look at the Enterprise (the teacup rides were fun though). I did go on some o the big boy rides i didn't think it right to leave without having tried the scenic railway and i only shit myself a little when my bum came of the seat on one of the dips.

And so a couple of dozen rides later and a few goes on the side attractions such as the donkey derby and the RC boats not to mention the dalek ride which i did so pointless me saying not to mention it really  we packed up at dinner time to get our hands stamped with an invisible dye i was sure would come off before we got back in and retired to the beach for soggy sandwiches and warm cola for dinner.

To Be continued
Dah Dah Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah ♪

Folkestone A Look Back

Why Folkestone? I hear you cry and WTF aren't you reviewing retro games? to which i reply STFU. The reason Folkestone is here s because it is not only a fond childhood memory but was also pretty damn instrumental in shaping my view of both arcade and later console games. So theres your answer so neeeer.

It was naturally my parents who would have first introduced me to this small seaside town which at one point had its own ferry as well as hovercraft port a small harbour that still exists today and the only seaside town to have a small sandy beach (all other places along the coast being crappy pebble beaches). Of course the real reason i liked Folkestone (as was the reason for many kids that age) was that it had a small amusement park and a crapload of arcade venues.

From memory i can remember it having eight separate arcades to piss away my pocket money and later child maintenance in. From geting of the train it was a short ten minute walk past the aquarium shop down past the saga building straight on past the bus depot without stopping till you got to the top of the road of remembrance on a hot sunny sunday that overlooked a bustling market surrounding 2 massive round buildings containing the best of what arcade games had to offer back then. and to cap it all of a small funfair right next door.

Of course it was fuck the funair and the market those 2 rotundas were the reason that were ultimately going to empty my pockets of all the shrapnel that weighed me down.

So down the path i go (it was knackering on the way back) across the main road past the stalls and the people looking for a bargain past the smell of burgers popcorn and candyfloss ignoring the 90s crappy techno music or the sounds of screaming as the waltzers rumbled away to my left and right up to the door of the large white spaceship (ok rotunda)

I was greeted by the sounds familiar to anyone who has ever stepped into an arcade.Like leaving the outside as a passing memory to have your senses oversaturated by the alarms ringing as penny fall machines were being obviously assaulted by kids with empty pockets desperate to grab a few extra credits for another play on their favourite game. The sound of thunk thunk thunk in rapid succession as the wheels of fruit machines fell into place or the rarer sound afterwards of chunk chunk chunk as the same machines puked up their shrapnel. electronic noises trying to emulate the 90s techno music or short blasts of music to signify you just put a coin in the slot and a sense of feeling lost in a maze of flashing lights and noise as you decided where to start first. Which lucky machine would be the first to be fed by my silver treats of florins and shillings (ok 5p and 10p but it said florin and shilling on them in those days and the queen still looked good enough to do)

We all had that one machine we gravitated towards first. I would always go to the same spot hoping it hadn't been replaced by a shitty pinball machine or worse a crappy test your strength meter where popeye would wrench a childs arm off for the small price of 10p.

Fortunately there it was Shinobi a bit battered cigarette stubs still clear to see in the ash tray (fuck yeah games machines of old had ash trays for us kids to smoke while we played) but there it stood a ninja with shifty eyes on the screen asking me to insert my coins this one really did go chink as you put your coins in (and theres me thinking ninjas were japanese not chinese) one pound coin straight in would last me a good 2 hours so it was money well wasted.

I would of course stroll around looking for new games as well as paying the odd 20p here and there as I moved around. A bit of Road Blasters here a bit of New Zealand story there Chase HQ' Rolling Thunder feeling my pockets get lighter with every game actually too bloody light ...right wheres the 10p games i need to extend my time ahhhhhh yup Rastan saviour of the poor gamer there you are. A few blasts on the deliberately unresponsive controls of Rastan later and ...shit....fuck 50p left godammit ..over to the change machine it was to turn that 50p  into 25 2 pence pieces last roll of the dice last chance to find something before i go home ok the fall machines it is lets see if i cant win some more credits. FUUUUUCK what a rip i won 25p and it cost me 50p screw it pile it in 14p won all in 8p won screw it all in 2p win craaaaaaaap last coin i need to look at every machine make sure my 2p has a chance of dropping more coins. See if i can get that 100 point token right in the centre. It must be possible thees other 2 pence pieces behind it (i was too naive at the time to think they weren't deliberately placed there to give the impression it was possible). And bye bye 2p and bye bye day out.

It was time to go home. I walked towards the doors flung them open to god knows where (always disorientation when leaving an arcade it takes 30 seconds to find your bearings) and of back to the train station vowing to come back with more money so you could stay longer next time.

Folkestone is unsurprisingly still here although what used to lure me here as a kid has now long gone. The only arcade remaining directly across the street from the wetherspoons pub. the Funfair and rotunda now given way to nothing more than an empty concrete lot. Surprisingly i now live in Folkestone but its for reasons more important than the lure of an arcade machine.

TMNT Arcade

"Fire Hang on April" was pretty much the first line of dialogue that greeted you as soon as you chose Donatello in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles arcade game. Lets face it you chose Donatello. He had a big stick therefore you were under the illusion that an arcade machine specifically designed to milk as many 20 pence pieces from you as possible would be easier as a result of the longer attack reach you had (FOOL).

Released in 1989 by Konami this game did clean me out of 10 of my much earned child maintenance pounds that my father gave me (coz out of spite it wasn't going into my mothers hands). In the prime of my childhood and when Folkestone still held an attraction (mostly because Jim Godden had yet to get around to torching every arcade he owned) on a train i got with money in my pocket and headed for the Rotunda (the biggest arcade around) to pour my money away on a misspent childhood for a day of sun sea and a serious amount of hard tuggings of many a joystick. 

The turtles arcade game was a straightforward side scrolling arcade beat em up in the day where games could be slung into categories of genre. A main bonus was that it was for its time one of the few 4 player games around (the only other at the time in that place was gauntlet). You could choose from all 4 of the turtles but why would you? long stick better reach it was always a mad scramble for Donatello as you embarked to rescue that games version of the princess April O Neil (whose irish name probably point her out as a piss head with a big mouth) later on you got to rescue her only for your mentor who taught you your ninja ass kicking skills to get himself bloody kidnapped instead. It makes you wonder if a guy whos good enough to teach you how to be a kick ass ninja can be kidnapped then exactly how are you expected to fight those that kidnapped him when he couldn't himself? Anywhoo you fight the foot clan who are robots disguised as ninjas for the main part of the levels Robots? yep this is probably more to do with it being unacceptable to kick the shit out of anything with a soul hence the machines. It is however according to the creators ok to shove a pointy sword or knife up the back passage of a rare endangered rhinoceros while bludgeoning them round the head wit a pair of nunchucks and big stick when they make an appearance as an end of level boss in the guise of Rocksteady (shit name) who is one of the main bad guys in the TV series (maybe splinter is so old he needs traditional a chinese herbal remedy to get it up). 

The game is pretty much the same throughout (as most games were back then) fight loads of grunts meet end of level boss beat him and repeat with new background and variations of grunts and bosses. About 10 to 12 quid later you should get to the hard as nails last level and just an extra fiver should see you through to the pink brain in a robot body krang boss followed by the last boss the shredder who looks like a samurai but isn't.

Turtles did eventually appear on the Nintendo entertainment system as a crappy side scroller platform type thingy and then later an adaptation of the arcade version. I've never played the nes version but the arcade is a good laugh with a few friends and since it is available as a mame download can be enjoyed by all. worth a go as its still enjoyable as it ever was. even if the uk version did replace the word ninja with heros 

Super Play

back in the day (and by day i mean the early to mid 90s) we didn't have access to the internet that at its time was in its infancy.movies like sneakers and hackers with angelina jolie painted hacking as something that was cool and in no way resembled the reality of sitting in your room crouched over a pc looking through endless lines of code in order to find an exploit to a programme that rarely worked.

issue 1

For us fanboys (and nintendo fanboys at that) there were limited ways of getting the latest news and reviews of the latest games that cost an arm and a leg. you could watch the only 2 shows on terrestrial TV at the time Bad Influence and Gamesmaster. or you could buy a monthly magazine from your local newsagent (preferably one that also would sell you ten B&H so you could look cool at school filling your lungs with carcinogenic's and using them as currency to pay the local bully to beat up that kid who looked at you funny.

what magazine you chose was down to personal preference. if you wanted to get beat up a lot you could tell everyone you liked nintendo power. if you weren't a complete dickhead however you had a choice of either NMS (nintendo magazine system) or super play.

for me Superplay was always my first choice. unlike the former magazine that only had reviews and previews of games that would be released in the uk.

Niko

issue 36

issue 2

Superplay focusses more on those obscure never gonna be released outside of japan games that could only be purchased from one of the rare importers that required a journey or tolkienesque proportions overcoming many obstacles making friends and enemies in equal measure and grabbing a rare much sought after precious that you could show off to the shire  or shitty council estate where you lived. (failing that a postal order and stamped addressed envelope would also work)

Superplay was one of the few magazines that actively encouraged not only the purchase of import games but also the purchase and use of the dreaded dark witchcraftery of the console destroying adapter with which to play your new imported game. the magazine was also one of the first to advocate manga and anime and ran a monthly section on upcoming anime releases. it was pretty instrumental at the time for making anime mainstream in the uk and even gave away a video (remember those) of the feature film Akira with every 12 month subscription. the team or writers was pilfered from other magazines by the same publishing company such as gamesmaster (yup the mag of the tv show) and the other multi format magazine total. the magazine itself was pretty colourful with manga influenced illustrations thanks to illustrator Will Overton who later became a writer for the mag as well. Superplay was always niche as well as focusing on the more obscure games and anime it had for a few issues its own man in japan who would report on the latest never gonna get in the uk tech rom the land of the rising sun. the overall feel of the magazine was bright and friendly as well as daft. unlike some magazines it never seemed (well to me at the time at least) to talk down to its readers. along with its letters page it also had a tech page answering the same questions every week such as will this "fucking adapter destroy my snes" or "NMS says this adapter will invalidate my warranty is it ok to use" not to mention the 50-60htz debate which usually translated to "why cant my pal snes play at ntsc speeds"

Superplay ran for 47 issues as well as a one off collection Superplay gold edition. it was loved and missed by  all its readers its spiritual successor being that of N64 Magazine

SHINOBI

Released in 1987 the classic sega arcade game shinobi sees you taking control of Joe Musashi a ninja. Although unsurprisingly not looking like the stereotypical ninja from the movies of that era. Your task is to rescue hostages taken by the crime syndicate NeoZeed (yeah gay name for a criminal gang) as well as ninja kicking anyones ass that is unfortunate enough to get in your way.



Yep we are talking standard levels with end bosses type fare here. Joe (yep shit name for what is supposed to be a ninja) moves from left to right throwing his ninja stars at the numerous bad guys who are trying to stop him. These range from your standard run straight towards you with no respect for their own safety low level grunts to guys with guns bigger guys who throw swords and a bunch of ninjas with various attack patterns depending on their colour. in the later stages you also get attacked by frog men (thats divers not men dressed as kermit) bazooka wielding military nutcases and bald monk type guys with big fucking sticks. Joe’s (yup still a gay name) weapons including stars that can be upgraded to bullets also include punches kicks and a sword for close combat melee as well as the (obligatory for its time) smart bomb which can clear the screen of all enemies.

 It comes in pretty handy on the later stages and can take the forms of tornado lightning or a bunch of Joe ghosts that leap around the screen beating seven bells of shit out of the bad guys. The end of level bosses are a mixed bag which include ten foot tall armour clad samurai and helicopters as well as some stupid ass machine that you have to shoot through before it knocks you into an electric field. There is no faggot health bar here its one hit and your dead with the respawn points being massively unfair add that to (in spite of the arcade version) no continues for the last stage and you have one hell of a pain in the ass game that i never managed to beat back in the day.

There was also a bonus stage between stages that you had to throw stars at ninjas in a first person perspective. Clear this stage and you earned yourself an extra life to carry over to the next level. Chances are you would only earn 1 life from the first bonus stage subsequent ones being too difficult to complete. All said and done it was still a pretty cool coin sapping experience for its time and made its way cross to a few home console platforms including the sega master system and the nec turbografx. Its worth having a go if you have never played it and can always be downloaded on mame as well as a rom on the many emulated consoles flying around the net. Anyone expecting Xbox graphics will be sorely disappointed but anyone with a healthy respect for retro games or a genuine interest of how games ued to be will find some enjoyment here